


AILUROMANCY 2: WIDOCAT BOOGALOO (The Ballad of Catleb and the Mighty Nein)

by Mikkeneko



Series: Catleb and the Meowty Nein [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caduceus and Molly at the same time because I said so, Cat Caleb, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Involuntary shapeshifting, Mild Angst, Twiggy cameo, Vomiting, Yussah Errenis is a giant troll don't @ me, cat-level grossness, none of these jokers should be in charge of a pet, trauma wizard becomes trauma cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:52:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikkeneko/pseuds/Mikkeneko
Summary: When Caleb's friends were polymorphed into cats thanks to an enemy sorcerer, he looked after them all. Now it's Caleb's turn to be on the wrong end of a polymorph spell, and his friends... well, they're doing their best.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with the previous fic, I'm disregarding the 'keeps same mental stats' part of the Polymorph spell. For the duration, when Caleb is a cat, he's a cat.
> 
> Also as with the previous fic, don't expect much of a plot here -- this is just a jumble of cute/funny cat moments stuck together with bare strings of a plot. Enjoy!

 

Here are some truths about Nott:   
  
She  _ is _  brave, no comma necessary. More than once she has darted in to take the hit for one of her friends that would have been their last, and walked away from it with her head held high. She is clever, with a vivid and active imagination, with quick wits and dexterous hands. She has known misery and pain and yet she still harbors an inner kindness, a surprising gentleness, and she is the most loyal friend Caleb has ever known.

Here is a fact about Nott:

She is indisputably, incorrigibly  _ incapable _  of reigning in her impulses.

As they wait in the Tidepeak for the wizard and his wizard guest to come back downstairs, as Fjord and Beau and the others stand together in a huddle and talk in low voices about their next move, Nott is letting her curiosity guide her around the chamber. The stairs spiral up around the inside of the tower and the space underneath them is filled with a rising curve of shelves. Books, locked behind metal and glass, quite inaccessible; art that is fixed to the wall, sculptures that are too heavy to move.    


Not that she would be so unwise as to steal anything from a wizard's tower, she tells herself virtuously. Yussah Errenis could be a good patron for them, a good teacher for Caleb (and thus, indirectly, for her) if they can get on his good side. Besides, it's bad policy to piss off a wizard even if you  _ aren't _  trying to get on their good side. And anything in a wizard's tower is likely to be enchanted, anyway. Booby-trapped, or maybe even  _ cursed. _

Also powerful. And  _ useful. _

The little bauble catches her eye just as she's about to turn back towards the rest of the group. It's barely visible, fallen behind one of the shelves against the wall, and she can only see it from this angle. 

How does the saying go? Out of sight, out of mind? If the wizard didn't notice that the item has fallen from its shelf, then he won't notice that it's gone from the tower entirely, right? Right?

Nott glances quickly and furtively around, then fades into the shadow as she sneaks over towards the shelf. She approaches the shelf slowly, casually;  _ if it turns out to be booby-trapped she can just pretend she was standing over here for some other reason and accidentally just happened to brush against it... _

She extends her arm slowly and takes the bauble in her gloved hand. Grips it, lifts it a little from its place behind the shelf.

Nothing happens.

Nott grins. Success! She lifts the bauble free of the shelf, looking it over quickly in the dim light. On first glance she's not sure  _ what _ it is. It seems to be made of wood, dark wood cut into a cross shape and polished to a glassy smoothness. Four stubby arms of equal length extend from the center, in which seems to be set... some kind of stone. Not a gemstone, that would make this some sort of piece of jewelry; it looks like a strange black metallic rock that too has been polished to a mirror shine.

Strange. Mysterious! It will take some detective work to crack  _ this _  case, Nott thinks with immense satisfaction, then quickly hides the bauble away in the pockets of her coat as footsteps and voices sound from overhead.

  
  


* * *

 

They conclude their business in the Tidepeak and are soon on the road again, heading up the road towards the Wuyun Gates that will let them back into the Empire. Caleb seems more morose than usual after their meeting with Yussah, and when they check into the inn that evening he excuses himself up to their room without even trying to be social in the taproom downstairs.

She follows him upstairs and sidles into the room. It's a pretty nice room as inns go, everything clean and bleached and the rough edges all sanded down. Sadly most everything is nailed down -- or has already been stolen by previous patrons -- but Nott is still riding the thrill of her earlier score and isn't feeling the Itch right now.

Caleb sits on the foot of the bed, looking tired. Nott knows just how to cheer him up. If there's one thing that never fails to excite Caleb and engage his interest, it's magic. Well, magic and cats. If there are two things that never fail to excite Caleb, it's magic and cats. And books, even nonmagical books, even long dense tomes on dry subjects of history and cosmology and academia of all kind. If there are three --  _ Among _  the things that never fail to excite Caleb and engage his interest are books, magic, and cats. 

And bread. At any rate, he should like  _ this _ . "Guess what, Caleb," she says as she approaches, hand in her pocket and fidgeting over the bauble.

"What is it, Nott?" he says, mustering a small smile for her. 

She brings it out and presents it with a flourish, beaming. "Isn't it nice?" she exclaims, tilting it this way and that to catch the light. "I don't know what it is but I'm sure it's magical! I thought you could use Identify on it, and then we could find out what it does together!"

Caleb's eyes widen as he takes it in. "Nott, where did you get this?" he exclaims.

He doesn't sound quite as excited as she'd hoped. "I just found it somewhere," she evades.

Caleb sighs. He knows her too well. "You took this from the Tidepeak, didn't you," he says, and he's never made her feel ashamed for her stealing, not once, but his tone can't help but leave her feeling a little foolish. "Nott, that was not wise. Any item in a wizard's tower, especially a magical one such as this, is likely under the aegis of a tracking spell, and he would know at once that it had been removed..."

"But he didn't know!" Nott says quickly. "He didn't say a thing when he came back downstairs, or stop us when we left, and he would have if he knew we had it, right? Either that or maybe he doesn't  _ mind  _  that we took it, he has so much stuff and obviously he doesn't care about  _ all _  of it, right?"

Caleb rubs his forehead, the put-upon expression deepening. Nott feels the need to add, "Besides, nothing bad happened when I picked it up, so clearly it isn't cursed or booby-trapped or anything horrible like that!"

"That is something, I suppose," Caleb concedes with a nod. "Although I still think it would be best if we returned it right away. Tell you what, give it to me and I will Identify it, and then we can decide what is best to do."

Nott beams. This is more the reaction she was hoping for when she presented her prize! She holds the bauble out and passes it over, the polished wooden charm leaving her gloved hands and passing into his.

They both wear gloves by habit even when the weather is not cold. They both have so much to hide. The difference is that while Nott's gloves cover her entire hands, hiding her claws and skin from view as much as possible, Caleb's have the fingers cut out to better perform the somatic components of his spells.

The moment the wooden charm leaves her hand and brushes against Caleb's bare skin, there's a crackle and a  _ flash  _ of dark light as the trap embedded in the charm expends itself.

Nott flinches back, eyes snapping shut against the light, and she hears a jumbled rush of sounds all overlapping -- the buzzing of magic, the slap and rustle of a sudden draft of air against the hostel curtains, an ominous ripping of cloth, the  _ thud _ of something hitting the bed and slithering to the floor.

Then, silence.

Then, in the silence, a small piteous  _ miao. _

Nott's eyes snap open, bugging in shock as she takes in the sight before her. Caleb is gone. On the edge of the bed where he had been a moment before there is a small cat with long, ragged, red-colored fur. It looks up at her with a tragic expression on its face, features snub and downward-falling, and its eyes are the piercing blue of the summer sky.

Here is a fact about Nott: she is not very wise, but she is  _ very _  quick on the uptake.

"Oh," Nott says as the truth sinks in. "Oh,  _ shit." _

  
  


* * *

  
  


"You have to admit he's cute as fuck," Beau says.

"Beau," Fjord chides her. She shrugs somewhat awkwardly from her position down on the floor on her elbows and knees, head nearly parallel to the floor as she cranes her neck to see under the bed. Caleb -- or rather the cat that Caleb has become -- fled under the bed at the first opportunity and now crouches in the back corner, eyes shining fluorescent green in the dim shadow.

"He  _ is," _  Jester coos. She is stomach down on the bed with her head hanging over the edge, hair nearly brushing the floor as she makes kissy noises. "Who's the cutest Cay-Cay? Awww, is it you?"

"Are we sure this is actually Caleb though?" Molly says, squinting towards the bed, although he declines to get down on the floor like Beau is doing. "Not just some random cat from off the street?"

"No it's definitely him," Nott says. She clutches her flask, understandably a little tense at having Caleb turned into a cat in front of her. 

"Hey Caleb!" Jester yells, swinging forward into the space under the bed suddenly. "Want a  _ bath?" _

The cat/Caleb flinches away at her sudden yell and inches further away from her, pressing into a tiny space between the bed and the wall. Jester grins as she swings back upright again. "Yep, it's definitely him!" she says.

"I'm pretty sure most cats don't want baths," Molly points out. "That's not specific to our favorite wizard."

Nott sighs. "It's definitely him, okay guys? I took a thing out of Yussa's tower because I thought it would help Caleb get stronger and be a better wizard, and instead it turned him into a cat and it's my fault and I don't know how to fix it!"

"Regardless of whose fault it is," Fjord says, "this is a pretty pickle of a situation. We just got a job to do for the Baroness and we could really use his help completin' it.  Caleb's the only one who really knows about magic and he can't help us when he's like this!"

"Deucey, do you think you can fix him?" Nott asks anxiously. 

Caduceus shrugs. "I can heal a lot of things, but being a cat isn't exactly a wound I can fix," he says.

"Yes, but you know Dispel Magic right?" she begs. "Maybe it can fix him? At least try!"

"I can try," Caduceus agrees. He unships his staff and stands up, finding a clear patch of floor and holding it out, prepared to tap against the ground.

"Wait!" Jester says suddenly, jumping to her feet. "We need to get him out from under the bed, right? What happens if you turn him back while he's underneath? He'll get squashed, or maybe the bed will explode and the innkeeper will be really mad at us!"

"Oh, yeah," Caduceus says, blinking in bemusement. "Well, see if you can get him to come out here, then."

"No problem," Beau says.

Over the next hour, the Mighty Nein discovers that it is, in fact,  _ a problem  _  to get a cat out from somewhere when they do not want to be removed. Caleb manages to evade all of Beau's grabs, ignores the bacon Molly dangles to try to entice him out from under the bed, crawls faster around the space under the bed than Nott is able to, and stares witheringly back at Jester's magical command of  _ 'Approach!' _ Caduceus' casting of  _ Calm Emotions _  seems to take hold but does not move Caleb out from under the bed, nor does the minor illusion of a mouse that Fjord tries to tempt him with.

After some discussion they resort to force: having Molly, Beau and Nott positioned on three sides of the bed while Jester lifts the entire piece of furniture off the ground. As his cover is lifted away Caleb bolts for the door, evades both Molly and Nott but is snatched mid-air by Beau. Much to her relief he doesn't claw at her, but it's like holding a slippery eel until she manages to get one arm around his head and the other around his middle, where he hangs in her hands looking defeated.

Jester cheers as she drops the bed with a shattering thump. "Good catch, Beau!" she says.

"You can always rely on Beau to get the pussy," Molly twits, earning a giggle from Jester and a glare from Beau.

"Okay, I got him, can somebody turn him back already?" Beau complains. Caduceus nods.

"Hold him still, I'm casting the spell now," he says, and taps the bottom of his staff on the floor.

Magic flares. There's a  _ ping _  as Caleb's alarm spell thread breaks, but no change to the orange cat hanging miserably in Beau's grip.

Caduceus pulls a frown. "Sorry, guys," he says, setting his staff down again. "This magic is too strong for me. I can't dispel it. Sorry, Mister Caleb," he addresses to the cat, who meows.

There's a collective sigh and groan of defeat from the rest of the Mighty Nein. "Well, what the fuck are we gonna do then?" Beau demands.

"Do we necessarily  _ have _  to do anything?" Molly points out. "I mean, these spells have a time limit, don't they?  _ We _  all turned back after a day."

"We can't just leave him like this!" Nott objects.

Molly shrugs. "Got any better ideas, then?" he says. Nott sputters for a moment, a tacit admission that no, she does not.

"I guess we can sit tight for a day or so," Fjord says. "Someone can stay in the room to keep an eye on him, the rest of us can run some errands, get prepared for our next trip. If he hasn't turned back on his own after a day, we can reconsider."

"Turn  _ you _  into an animal and leave you, see how you like it," Nott grumbles.

Jester's face lights up at this pronouncement. "Yay! We get the cute Caleb-kitty for a day!" she cheers. "You guys, you guys we should get him a cute little collar!"

"Oh shit, do we have to like get a box for him to poop in?" Beau says suddenly. "That's a cat thing, right?"

"Frumpkin doesn't need a box," Jester says.

"Frumpkin's not a real cat though," Nott reminds her. "He's a fey-cat. We'll have to be more careful with Caleb, he can't just poof back to the Feywild if anything hurts him."

"So that means you absolutely  _ definitely _  can't eat him, Nott," Jester says teasingly. Nott scowls at her.

"That was one -- that was  _ two times!" _

"We could just let him go outside to do his business, I think that's how most real cats do it," says Molly.

"No! We can't let him go outside!" Nott shudders. "He'll get lost, or attacked by a dog, or  _ eaten, _  or someone will see how cute he is and steal him!"

"Yeah but do we  _ need _  a box for him?" Beau says. "Or can he just, like, use the toilet like regular? Deuces, you know about cats right?"

Caduceus scratches his chin in thought. "Well, in the wild, the most dominant cat in the region will usually leave its scat uncovered in a prominent place in order to assert ownership of the territory," he says.

"...Yeah, we're getting a box," Beau says firmly.

"We'll have to think about feeding him," Molly muses. "What do cats eat, anyway?"

"Don't know much about cats," Fjord admits. "Fish, right?"

"Would they eat fish? They're land animals," Molly says knowingly. 

"Yeah cats eat fish," Beau asserts with confidence. "Caleb feeds Frumpkin all sorts of stuff, right?"

"Again, Frumpkin,  _ not a real cat, _ " Nott reminds them.  "I don't think he even actually needs to eat, Caleb just feeds him because he likes it. Deuces, what do cats eat?"

"Oh, most anything," Caduceus says. "Birds, snakes, lizards, rodents, maybe a small deer if they can get it..."

"Does he like pastries?" Jester says. "I have some chocolate pastries in my bag..."

"I don't think chocolate is good for cats," Caduceus says. "Pretty much straight up poisonous in fact."

Jester pouts at him. "But Caleb  _ loves _  pastries," she says. "Can't I give him just a little?"

"No I'm pretty sure that will kill him," Caduceus says firmly. 

"You're no fun at  _ all." _

"Honestly, cats can really only eat meat. Their digestive tract is super short compared to most animals, even humanoids," Caduceus says. "Anything other than meat will probably make him sick."

"Got it," Nott says, giving the firbolg a thumbs up, and shortly afterwards vanishes from view leaving the rest of the Mighty Nein to bicker. Despite Caduceus' pronouncement Jester turns up an increasingly impractical list of food items to offer to Caleb, undeterred by each suggestion getting shot down.

Fjord goes downstairs to talk to the innkeeper about staying an extra night, and Molly sets about putting together a little cat-bed of blankets and pillows for Caleb to sleep in. The resulting nest looks very soft and cozy indeed, but it is to no avail; as soon as Beau sets him down in it he shoots out of her grasp and disappears under the bed again. This sets off another round of chase-the-cat, and in the end Caduceus suggests stuffing the space under the bed with blankets so that Caleb won't be able to hide under it. 

Once released the ginger cat spends several minutes pawing at the blanket-barrier, trying to work his way back into his favorite hiding spot before he eventually gives up and goes to sit in a tight curl facing the corner. He looks very sullen about the whole process, an expression that makes him look more like Caleb than any other look before.

At length Nott reappears clutching a couple of packages; a large package wrapped in butcher paper with a little red liquid leaking out of the bottom and a smaller sack. "Good news, I was able to find a butcher's that was still open," she says breathlessly, waving the leaking package. "Steak!"

"And what's the sack?" Molly gestures towards her other package.

"Oh, this? There were some rats in the alleyway outside the butcher's," Nott explains.

Molly nods knowingly. "Ah, so you got some rats for Caleb's dinner tonight?" he says. Nott scoffs.

"What? No! The steak is for Caleb, of course," she explains and bustles about getting a tin plate out of their mess kit. "The rat is  _ my _  dinner. You all can eat what you want, I guess."

"I should've known," Molly says with a sigh.

Nott slices up some of the steak -- tender with marbled fat, still a bright pink color -- onto the plate and slides it close to Caleb, making fussy noises as she does. Caleb uncurls from his tight ball and creeps close enough to sniff at the plate, and leaving him to it Nott sits down with her back against the blanket-stuffed bed to eat her own dinner. She doesn't have to eat rats any more if she doesn't want to -- there's money enough for whatever luxuries this backwater little town could supply, if she wanted to -- but sometimes she just really misses a good plump rat.

A soft  _ miao _  from the bed above her distracts her from her meal. Caleb has abandoned the untouched plate of steak and jumped onto the bed, digging his claws into the straw-stuffed mattress as he stretches out a long, long neck to sniff at the half-dismembered rat she's holding. A ginger paw darts out and pats at her meal, trying to pull it back towards him.

Nott's first instinctual defensive hiss and clutch at her food quickly softens. She never could deny him anything. "You'd rather have rat, Caleb?" she says softly, and picks him up carefully to set him down beside her. He freezes when her hands go around him, but once back on his feet he starts poking his nose into her dinner again. "All right, we'll share."

 

* * *

 

Caleb is curled up in the corner, paws covering his nose as he breathes deeply in kitty slumber, when Fjord bursts into the inn room wielding a catfish. "Fishmonger was still open!" he declares triumphantly, waving the fish around like an unusually floppy falchion. "Food for Caleb has been solved!"

"That was solved half an hour ago Fjord, where have you been?" Beau calls out from where she and Jester are trying to set up a little kitty-privy in the corner. Nott grins at Fjord smugly, showing all her teeth, and pointedly reaches out to pet Caleb's ears. So far hers is the only touch he doesn't cringe from and she has been making much of her privileged status.

"Ah," Fjord deflates, staring at the sleeping cat and the plate of tiny rat bones. He looks down at the fish in his hands, a good twenty-five pounds of catfish that is already smelling pretty strongly, and his shoulders heave in a sigh. "Guess we're having fish for dinner tonight, then?" 

  
  


* * *

 

The next day is one of shopping and errands for most of the Mighty Nein; the necessary chores for the upkeep of their traveling circus is quickly accomplished, and they take advantage of the down time to rest and relax. 

Caleb continues to spend most of his time hiding. He ignored the blanket-lined basket bed that Molly made for him until he figures out he can nose his way under it and overturn it, turning it from a basin into a little cave. Eventually they have to take out some of the blankets from under the bed or they would have had to sleep in the cold; this means Caleb can fit under the bed without being able to go out of their reach, which is a fair enough compromise.

Jester spends most of the morning trying to pull Caleb out from wherever his hiding place is and set her on his lap so she can pet him, or try to get him to chase string, or tie ribbons around his neck. Shortly after lunch Caduceus finally takes pity on the wizard-turned cat and goes to head her off.

"Jester, let him be," Caduceus says, keeping his voice gentle and as non-judgmental as he can. "If what Mister Caleb needs right now is to hide from the world, then you should let him."

"I'm not going to hurt him!" Jester protests. "He's just so cute and floofy! I just want to pet and cuddle him."

"Maybe, but I don't think he wants to be held or petted right now," Caduceus says. That's underselling it a bit; Caleb looks absolutely miserable and while he hasn't tried to bite or scratch any of them yet, he's expending considerable effort to try to squirm away. "Cats are easily spooked by big people and loud noises and aggressive attention. You have to let him be, and eventually he'll come to you."

"But what if he doesn't?" Jester worries. "In a few hours he'll turn back into himself and I'll have missed out on the chance to cuddle him when he's all fluffy!"

"That's true," Caduceus allows, and Caleb really is so magnificently fluffy that it would be a shame. "But he's not a doll, Jester. He's a person, just a person who happens to be cat-shaped right now, and if he doesn't want to be touched, then you should respect that and not touch him."

Jester droops a little, and Caduceus feels bad, but the point still stands. "Frumpkin will let me play with him and cuddle him, though," she says. 

"As Nott keeps pointing out, Frumpkin is not a real cat," Caduceus says. "I'm pretty sure he does what Mister Caleb tells him to. If he tells Frumpkin to play with you, then he will."

"But that means Caleb likes me!" Jester seizes on that, and peps right back up with a bright smile.

"Of course he does," Caduceus says, smiling easily in return. "Lots of people like you Jester, you're very easy to like. It's just that I think Caleb is pretty stressed out right now."

Jester sighs and releases her hold on Caleb, who promptly scrabbles off the bed and back into the hiding space underneath. Jester watches him go with a sad look. "I don't remember this, being a cat I mean, I didn't think it was scary," she said. "I mean, everything was bigger and more confusing, but it was fun too! All those new smells and fun things to climb and stuff. And we're safe in the inn, and we're all here to protect him, so why would he be scared?"

"He's a different person from you, so his reactions are going to be different too," Caduceus points out. "You're always very much up for fun and adventure and new experiences, but I think that for Caleb, having his body altered against his will has usually been a pretty bad thing for him."

She sighs again. "I guess so," she says, and Caduceus feels bad for how disheartened she sounds now. She watches the space where Caleb disappeared, where only the tip of a fluffy ginger tail peeks out, and then looks back over at him. "Okay, I'll try being calm and quiet and aloof so he'll know I'm not scary!"

Personally, Caduceus doubts Jester has that in her, but it would be rude to say so."I think that's the best thing to do," Caduceus says, and that gets her to smile again.

 

* * *

 

 

~tbc...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caleb is a _doll faced Persian,_ with red fur and blue eyes. I went for doll-faced because I'm not a fan of the squashed face cats, but even their non-squashed counterparts have a tendency to a perpetually tragic expression that I thought fitting for Caleb.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Persians tend to be low-energy, extremely smart, devoted to their people but very wary of strangers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caleb's behavior in the early part of this fic is mostly modeled after strays and fosters I've encountered who were still recovering from traumatic circumstances. That means he's not a very cuddly or playful cat, much to the disappointment of the Nein -- but then again, he _is_ still Caleb.

  
Caleb doesn't turn back at the end of the day.

This is a cause for no small amount of consternation among the Nein, which quickly breaks down into arguing. 

"Well, this whole situation has got us all cattywampus," Fjord says, sounding disgusted.

"Is, is that even a real word or are you making fun of Caleb?" Nott wants to know.

"No, that's a real word," Jester volunteers cheerfully. "It means something is all screwed up or crooked. At least in Port Damali. It means something  _ a little different  _ in Nicodranas." She giggles.

Fjord chooses to ignore them both. "Caleb's stuck as a cat, our money to keep this room rented is running out and that job we have for the Baroness isn't getting done. We need to fix this."

"How?" Beau says. "We already established that none of us know jack shit about this kind of magic."

"No, but we know who does," Fjord says. "I say we go back to the Tidepeak and explain what happened to Yussah. He cast the spell, he can fix it."

"No!" Nott screeches. "He's not gonna help us, he's gonna be mad as hell that we stole his stuff! If we go back there we'll be lucky if we don't all end up as  _ mice!" _

"You mean, that  _ you _  stole his stuff," Fjord fires back. "What, you can't face the music even if it means Caleb is the one who gets screwed over for it?"

Nott looks ready to throw down on the spot and Molly, always taking the temperature of the room, hastily intervenes. "Guys, Yussah Errenis isn't the only magic-user in the world," he says. "It's not much further to go on to Zadash than back to Nicodranas. Why don't we ask the Cerberus Assembly for help?"

"No, absolutely not!" Beau says immediately, and Molly blinks, looking put-off and rather hurt by the heat of her reply. "We're not going anywhere near those Cerberus fucks, and we sure as hell aren't taking Caleb anywhere near them!"

"Yeah, that's a stupid idea!" Nott chimes in agreement, and Molly turns his scowl on her.

"Well, do you actually have any plans of your own or are you just going to shoot down everybody else's?" Molly demands.

"If I hear an idea that's actually  _ good, _  I'll support it!" Nott snaps back.

"Why don't we just sit tight and keep waiting?" Caduceus suggests. "I mean, the spell will have to wear off eventually..."

" _ That doesn't qualify!" _

The room breaks down into shouting, recriminations and accusations flying until Jester shouts to get all of their attention. "You guys!" she yells, and when they turn to look at her, she holds Caleb up to all of their attentions. "Look at this cat!  _ Look at him! _  He's so  _ sad, _  you're making him  _ sad _  with all your yelling and fighting!"

Caleb  _ miaos _  sadly.

They all look at him and indeed, the cat that is Caleb has such a tragic and heartbroken expression on his little face that they lose all will to keep arguing.

Beau sighs. "Look," she says. "This isn't a great situation but it's also not an emergency. Let's just hang tight for tonight, alright? When tomorrow comes we can..." She pauses.

"We can what, d'you think?" Fjord says, clearly making an effort to rein in his irritability and not snap at her. "It's still a plain fact that the best person to handle this situation  _ would be Caleb. _  Without him, what can the rest of us do?"

"Think," Nott murmurs to herself. "What would Caleb do?"

The five of them exchange glances, then chorus as one (except for Caduceus,) "He'd go to the library!"

"Shit, yeah! We can go to the library," Beau says, making finger guns at Jester. "And, I dunno, find out more about this spell? See whether it wears off on its own, or if there's some other way to take it off."

"I can ask the Traveler for help!" Jester announces. 

"I can also meditate," Caduceus adds in. Privately the rest of them think that of the two available gods, the Traveler is more likely to  _ cause _  problems of this nature and the Wildmother to  _ fix _  them, but it's worth a shot either way.

"What are we gonna do about money?" Fjord says. "This inn ain't exactly the Pillow Trove, but the rent is gonna add up the longer we stay in one place."

"We can look around town to see if there are any odd jobs available," Molly says. "Just something to tide us over. Who knows, maybe we can find some other spellcasters in town, ones who aren't with the Cerberus Assembly." His red eyes cut over to Beau as he says that.

"See? You can have good ideas sometimes!" Beau exclaims, in the most backhanded way of issuing a compliment Molly has ever received.

With a plan of action decided, the conversation starts to wind down. Attention turns to providing dinner: they didn't keep around any of the meat from the night before since they didn't think Caleb would still be a cat. Nott goes downstairs to forage for rats in the pantry only to return disappointed and empty-handed: either there are none or they're wisely staying out of sight.

"Cats can eat bacon, right?" Beau says. She digs in her pocket for some breakfast bacon -- breakfast from the previous day, by now. "Here, kitty kitty, want some bacon?"

Jester wrinkles her nose. "It's gone all manky, though?" she says.

"C'mon, it's  _bacon,"_   Beau says. "It's already cooked and preserved, it lasts forever."

Nott huffs. "Don't feed Caleb your nasty leftovers," she scolds.

"You were gonna feed him _rats,_   Nott."

"Yes! _Fresh_   rats!"

"Well I know I'd rather have bacon than rats any day, and I think Caleb agrees with me. Want some, Cay?" She waves the bacon up and down invitingly.  Caleb stretches his neck out to sniff at the bacon, then carefully take it between his teeth. Beau shoots a triumphant look at Jester and Nott. "Ha!"

Caleb adjusts his bite on the bacon to better carry it, walking a few steps away. The smirk on Beau's face drops off as Caleb carefully carries the bacon over to his litter box and drops it in the sand. " _Hey,"_   she protests.

Jester and Nott both burst into giggles as Caleb begins to kick sand over the offending piece of meat. "C'mon, if you didn't want it you could have at least given it back!" Beau complains. "Fuck, dude, how do you manage to be  _this_   condescending even as a cat?"

In the end, after turning up his nose to several more offerings from the Mighty Nein, Caleb makes a meal of leftover fish from Fjord's purchase the night before. Fjord is insufferably smug about  _his_   offerings being chosen -- at least until later that night when the disturbingly liquid  _hurk-hurk_ ing noise from under the bed indicates the fish is making a return appearance.

It's a long -- and rather aromatic -- night.

 

* * *

  
  


Bright and early the next day Beau, Jester and Fjord head off to the town's library while Molly and Nott look for vendors of the arcane. That leaves Caduceus to cat-sit for Caleb. He spends the morning puttering around the room, tidying some of the chaos that the seven of them inevitably bring with them, then sits to do some repair and maintenance work on his gear. He's aware of Caleb at the edge of his attention, but he chooses to focus on the task in front of him instead.

As the morning wears on Caleb gradually comes out from under the bed, sliding out from the confined space with a whisper of long fur over wooden boards. Caduceus is seated by the window with his legs crossed and his armor in his lap, taking advantage of the sunlight to find cracks and stresses in the joints and plates and repair them one by one. When he glances up again from beneath his eyelashes he sees that Caleb has come to sit in the same sunbeam, sitting in a loaf shape with his two front paws crossed in front of him. Caduceus can't help but smile at the unconscious mimicry, and continues with his task. Caleb heaves a little feline sigh and puts his chin down on his paws, his long silky banner of a tail flipping in slow contemplation.

He really is magnificently fluffy.

 

* * *

 

"Okay, so we found out some more info about this spell, and we have a few options," Beau says.

"That's good," Molly says.

"Yeah, unfortunately all the options... kinda suck," Beau admits.

"That's bad."

The Mighty Nein are crowded into the one inn room again to review the results of the day's research. Molly and Nott returned empty-handed, the little town devoid of any expertise more magical than an herbalist. Jester got distracted from the research mission early on when she decided to swap the erotica and religious literature section, but with Fjord's help Beau emerged from the library with a few pages of notes. She checks over those notes now as the others wait, clearing her throat and rustling the paper with nerves.

"So, the spell that Caleb's under wasn't actually all that hard to find," Beau starts. "It seems to be pretty well known if you know about that sort of thing. I actually found a couple of different stories talking about it, although they kinda contradict each other about some things. The spell's called Baleful Polymorph --"

"Hey! I know that spell," Jester says brightly. "I turned the dragon into a weasel, remember?"

"Hard to forget," Molly chuckles. "That was fabulous."

Jester preens. Beau tries to get back on track. "Yeah it's related, but this is a different spell. It's way more powerful, no offense Jester, but your version of the spell kinda sucks."

"Hey," Jester objects with a pout.

"Well it does!" Beau defends herself. "It only lasts like a minute and you have to keep concentrating or it drops, right? This spell lasts way, way longer and it's a one and done thing for the caster. He doesn't have to concentrate to keep it on you,  _ you _  have to concentrate to get it  _ off _  you."

"How d'you mean?" Nott says. Caleb has consented to come out from under the bed to sit by her, though he still prefers to hide in her shadow from the rest of the group. One hand scritches his ear while the other fiddles nervously with her flask.

"Well both of the stories I read said that --" Beau consults her notes. "The target can throw off the spell 'through a great feat of fortitude.' "

Everyone pauses and contemplates Caleb, who is currently sticking his head under a pillow.

Molly breaks the silence with a cough. "Fortitude's not exactly his strong suit, is it?" he says diplomatically.

Beau rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well, apparently he gets a couple of chances at it. There's, like, fluctuations in the resonance cycle and some shit, whatever, but it means you get a chance to throw it off after one minute, after an hour, and after a day." She ticks off each interval on her fingers. "That was why when it was us, the spell wore off after a day -- it was a weaker spell then and we were able to kick it after a day."

"But Caleb hasn't," Caduceus points out.

"So he's stuck this way forever?!" Nott screeches.

"I dunno? Maybe?" Beau shrugs. "According to one of these books, he gets another chance to throw off the spell after one week. This other one says it's a month. But they both agree that if he doesn't throw it off after all that time, then he's gonna be stuck this way for good."

A daunted silence falls over the inn room. Fjord breaks it by clearing his throat. "I don't consider that a satisfactory outcome," he says, a tone of mild understatement.

" _ Really _  not," Jester agrees vehemently. "Caleb is a cute kitty and all, but I want our stinky wizard back."

"So that's one not so great option. Wait a week and see if he can pull off a great feat of fortitude." Beau makes a face that shows what she thinks of that. "The next is that whoever cast the spell can remove it any time. So if we want to go back to the Tidepeak and fess up to Yussah that we betrayed his trust and stole his shit, that's always an option."

Nott pulls a face and a swig off her flask. "Let's leave that one on the back burner, okay?" she says.

"The book also says that a really good cleric or other kind of healer can take it off with a really,  _ really _  strong restoration spell," Beau continues.

"Oh!" Jester's hand shoots up in the air and she waves vigorously. "I'm really strong!"

Caduceus clears his throat apologetically. "Ah... no offense Jester, but I did speak with the Wildmother earlier..." he says modestly. "She touched the spell through me when I tried to dispel it, and she confirmed to me that it's an extremely powerful spell. She can't channel enough magic through me to take it off, and I'm pretty sure the Traveler can't channel that much magic through you, Jester, not yet."

Jester gives Caduceus an annoyed glare. "You don't know that," she says. "You don't know my life."

Caduceus actually has a pretty good idea of her life these days, but he says diplomatically, "You're probably right, I don't."

"I'm  _ really _  good," insists Jester.

"Of course."

Fjord gets the conversation back on track. "So we'd need to find a priest or mage. One powerful enough to dispel it."

"I'm not sure where we're going to find someone like that who's willing to help us on short notice," Molly says. "Not if the Cerberus Assembly is off the table."

"It is," Nott says emphatically, and Beau nods. " _ Way _  off."

Molly puts his hands up in surrender. "All right. We'll put that one with 'going back to the Tidepeak' as solutions go," he says. "What else?"

"Well, uh..." Beau's usual confidence seems to desert her, and she shuffles her papers more. "I'm just gonna list it for completeness' sake, because it's a pretty shitty idea, but there's this: In this one story, the guy got stuck in Polymorph for like six months, and he couldn't get anyone else to take it off him, so he just stayed a pangolin --"

"A  _ what?" _  the other five (save Caduceus) all chorus.

"Look, I have no idea what that is, it's in the book okay?" Beau snaps. "He stayed a pangolin until he got run over by a cart. And then once he, uh,  _ died, _  the spell wore off and he popped back into his normal self. So we could always try... like... to  _ kill _  Caleb."

There's a long silence as everyone looks over at Caleb, who has adopted a loaf position and whose eyes are half-closing with sleepiness.

"I don't much care for that idea," Caduceus says, the first time he's actually expressed an opinion so far.

"Nope, don't like it," Molly agrees immediately.

"Same!" Nott says emphatically.

"You have to admit it would be easy though," Jester muses, and shrugs when the rest of the Nein gawk at her. "I mean he's so squishy! And that's just  _ normal _  Caleb. Cat Caleb is like, even squishier."

"Jess!" Beau hisses.

Jester tosses her head. "I'm just saying, me and Caduceus could get him back up  _ easily. _  Because we're super strong clerics." She directs a loud whisper to the rest of the room.  _ "Especially me." _

"So, uh, we're gonna back burner that idea," Fjord says after an awkward pause.

Nott groans. "I think  _ all _  of our ideas are on the back burner now."

"Well, there's one that we can do right here with what we have available to us now," Caduceus says, as the others look at him with surprise. "Wait and see."

"That just seems kind of," Molly searches for the right term. "The opposite of proactive?"

Caduceus shrugs. "If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that it's amazing how many problems just solve themselves if you don't leap into trying to fix them," he says.

"Oh really? How'd that work out for the blight swallowing up your homeland?" Nott snarks.

Caduceus sends her a reproachful look. "You know, it's really not nice to use people's tragic backstories against them," he says.

"So we'll try doing other jobs in the meantime, be on the lookout for anything that might help Caleb," Fjord cuts into the brewing argument. "In the meantime, all we have to do is keep Caleb fed and healthy and safe."

"Easy," Beau says boldly.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It's not easy.

Over the next few days the Nein realize that save Caleb none of them have ever tried to keep a pet long-term before and that Frumpkin -- as Nott repeatedly pointed out -- is not actually a representative model. 

Despite Caduceus' assurances that Caleb will gradually grow more comfortable with them all, the wizard-turned-cat continues to spend most of his time hiding under the furniture. He will stay in the closet or under the bed all day unless one of the Nein drags him out and while he never fights them, is never aggressive with tooth or claw, he devotes all energy to struggling and squirming away until whoever it is relents and lets him flee back into his hiding place.

While some of the Nein are able to take this philosophically -- Fjord is willing to give Caleb his space, and Caduceus has astonishing depths of patience -- this adamant aversion on Caleb's part can't help but affect some of the others. Even Nott is only barely tolerated, which clearly wears on her; Caleb wants nothing to do with the rest of them at all which nearly drives Jester to tears and, though she does better at hiding it, Beau as well.

Spending so much time in dark and musty corners has another deleterious effect: Caleb's long, magnificently fluffy coat begins to accumulate dust, cobwebs and mildew. Worse, it becomes apparent after a few days that Caleb, even as a cat, does not bathe. 

During their own brief spell as cats, the other members of the Nein had found that grooming came to them by instinct --  being soiled felt deeply unpleasant and the actions of washing and combing felt easy and natural. But Caleb either does not feel these instincts, or he ignores them, because he does not even bother to wash himself. His long fur quickly becomes tangled and matted with dirt and worse: the long, fluffy hair on the back of his legs, resembling a pair of magnificent pantaloons, is all too much of a magnet for loose bits of sand and of shit. His digestion continues to be troubled and traces of half-digested food and vomit stain his sulky neck ruff and chest fur as well.

They put up with it for as long as they can, but none of them had anticipated just how much a long-haired cat can smell after a few days without washing. By the third day the Nein are in agreement: Caleb needs a bath. 

A few elimination rounds of boulder-parchment-shears leaves Fjord and Beau as the designated cat-washers, although Jester is willing to haul water in to the tub and Molly provides a mild-scented shampoo. He, Jester and Nott vacate the room afterwards although Caduceus hovers in the background, standing by with Cure Wounds to patch up the worst of the cat-scratches.

Caleb is hiding under the bed again. Fjord shifts boxes towards him under the bed to herd him out into the open while Beau stands by, ready to grab as soon as he comes within range. By this time his escape attempts are half-hearted, and he submits to Beau picking him up by the scruff and marching him into the bathroom until he catches sight of the bath.

Beau swears a streak as blue as her robe as Caleb transforms into a tail-poofed, spitting wad of cat-fury, writhing in her arms like a devil of cat hair and claw. She doesn't give him the chance to do anything about it, sprinting the last few feet to the tub and plunging him into it.

Caleb comes up flailing and Beau swears as the warm, soapy water stings in fresh wounds. To be fair to Caleb he doesn't seem to be doing it on purpose; the long scratches he leaves in his wake seem to be accidental, from the long gouges where his back feet scratched her stomach to the rakes across her hand as he tries to climb across her arm to freedom. Fjord plunges his hands into the tub and begins to work up a lather with the soap, rubbing it into Caleb's long fur. 

After several minutes of struggling result in him being pushed back into the water Caleb seems to resign himself to his fate, instead letting out loud, low  _ yowls _  that seem to carry with them the sound of a thousand years of suffering. Beau feels confident that she can hold him in place with one hand while she lifts the other hand to her mouth, sucking at the scratches.

"He sure tagged you, huh?" Fjord says as he sees the blood.

"He sure did," Beau grumbles. "I think this is gonna leave a scar."

"Chicks dig scars, isn't that what you always say?" Fjord shoots her a wry smile. He takes a small handful of lather and carefully works it over Caleb's head, trying to avoid getting soap in his ears or eyes. Caleb moans tragically.

Beau scowls. "Only when they have a badass story to tell about how you got'em," she grumbles. "What am I supposed to say, yeah I got clawed up by my friend who got turned into a cat like a dumbass? I --  _ shit." _

The moment he senses their relaxed vigilance, Caleb makes a break for it: she barely has time to feel his muscles tense before he springs. Fjord loses his hold, Beau's hand slips off him, and Caleb shoots from the bath like a soggy, razor-tipped missile. 

"Get back here, you fucker!" Beau yells while she scrabbles for a hold. The two of them writhe in struggle for a moment, strength and determination against agility and terror. Months of practice blocking blows and even arrows finally pays off as her hands move faster than even a cat can evade: she grabs him out of mid-air and holds him, panting.

Caleb meows mournfully. 

"Do me a favor and just hold him for a minute," Fjord instructs. "The water's soapy and dirty, I'd like to get some clean water to rinse him off with."

"Sure, why not, I'll just stand here holding the wet furious cat that's trying to disembowel me," Beau grumbles, but she keeps a steady grip on Caleb while Fjord hauls futilely at the tub a few times, then gives up and uses his control-of-water to siphon the dirty water out of the tub down the drain and replace it with clean water. "Yeah, I'm so glad we went to the ocean so you can do that, totally worthwhile use of the magical ability to command water!"

"Do you wanna just stand here holding him while I go back downstairs to haul up a few buckets?" Fjord demands. "Okay, plop him back in here..."

Fjord is still controlling the water, running it in little whirlpools over Caleb's back and flanks and tail: Caleb is trembling under her hands and as pissed as she is at hm, as much as they'd all agreed that this was necessary, she can't help but feel an awful beast. He's so damn  _ skinny; _  one hardly noticed the rest of the time because his coat was so long, concealing everything, but with the fur wetted down he's barely more than skin and bones.

"All right, you can chill out now, bath is over," Beau announces and pulls him back out of the tub. Caleb makes another break for it but she catches him deftly this time. "Oh no you don't, I'm not letting you get back under the bed to mop up all the dirt in the inn. Towels now."

Fjord tags out, his allergies flaring back up now that the bath is not providing a buffer, and Caduceus tags in. He has a nice, calming presence that even Caleb in his current state can feel, and he talks to Caleb as though he were still human even as he warms the towels with a quick prestidigitation and begins drying him. 

Beau goes and fetches the comb and brush that Molly had offered up in sacrifice to this job and begins the tedious task of brushing the snarls out of Caleb's wet coat. Caleb has apparently resigned himself entirely to defeat, hunching down close to the floor and tucking his chin into his chest, shivering.

"It can't be right for him to be this skinny, can it?" Beau asks anxiously. "I mean, damn, he looks like one strong breeze would snap him in half."

"It probably won't," Caduceus assures her, which honestly isn't as reassuring as it could have been.

"It's not like we haven't been feeding him!" Beau says, letting aggression take the edge off the guilt. "We have! It's not our fault that he won't eat, or he chucks it all back up again an hour later! What are we gonna do, Deuces? If this keeps up he's gonna starve to death before the week is up."

"Oh, I don't think so," Caduceus says thoughtfully. "It takes at least two weeks for a healthy adult animal to fully starve to death."

"Yeah, who says Caleb  _ started  _ at healthy?" Beau says with a snort.

"That's... a point." A small groove appears between Caduceus' brows as he frowns. "If an animal gets hungry enough he'll eat... but it's a problem that he can't keep it down, for sure. Feline digestion can be very tricky, especially if the animal is stressed."

Beau looks down at the cat in her hands, her wizard friend who was involuntarily forced into an alien shape, lost his voice and his mind and his magic and then chased, caught, dragged about, grabbed and forced into a tub by a lot of big loud strangers who ought to have been his friends. "Yeah, I'd say  _ stressed _  is a good description," she says.

Caduceus nods. "You have a good point, Beau," he says.

"I do?" she says, feeling unexpectedly pleased by the affirmation. "I mean. Course I do."

"I'll see what I can do," Caduceus says.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Once Caleb is brushed and dried and back in hiding in the cat-fortress that is growing in the corner of the inn room, Caduceus leaves the inn for a while to visit the nearby market.

They're still close enough to the sea that there are fishmongers hawking their wares, but far enough that none of the fish are fresh. Caduceus looks them over briefly, but his nose -- which is all too attuned to the presence of rot -- decides him against any of the purchases. He buys a few eggs and a small chicken from the stall of a local farmer, thanks it, then wrings its neck and puts it in his bag.

Caduceus doesn't prefer to eat meat for himself, but not because he holds any illusions about the realities of nature. Cats need meat, he knows this perfectly well, and so long as Caleb is a cat, meat is what he shall have. 

He's on his way back to the inn when he sees a small stall, really more of a wheelbarrow with an awning, run by a pair of gawky pre-teen girls. On investigation it seems that they are selling freshwater fish from a nearby stream, much smaller than the ocean-going fish sold by the Nicodranas merchants but also likewise fresher. He buys some bluegill, lets them gawk over his height and hair, and makes his way back to the inn with a heavy basket and a light heart.

Once back at the inn, Nott perches on the end of the bed and gawks as Caduceus prepares to cook. He asked to borrow some of her alchemy supplies -- her athanor and mesh filter -- rather than going downstairs to monopolize the inn's kitchen again.

He starts by cleaning the fish, gutting and scaling it before fileting the meat and carefully removing the bones. As he chops the filet into smaller slices he sets the fish head aside rather than including it, and Nott finds her mouth watering as she looks at it. "Um, if you're not gonna use that..." she says, then trails off, embarrassed.

But Caduceus only smiles at her. "Sure, if you like," he says and tosses the fish head over to her. She takes a moment to admire the shiny scales and glassy eyes before scarfing it down. Oh, yeah. That's fresh.

Caduceus continues with his preparations, setting the fish chunks to cook in a small pot of hot water for only a few minutes before blanching it in cold. While he lets that sit to the side he prepares the chicken, setting the rest of the bird aside for his friends to make a meal of later as he carefully removes the breast from the bone. It gets the same treatment as the fish, cleaned and boiled in the water before being set to cool, as he pulls the fish back onto the board and begins to chop it into fine pieces. Softened by the cooking and reduced to mince, it takes little effort to reduce it to a fine paste, which he sets aside.

"If you have the fish, why use the chicken?" Nott wants to know as Caduceus begins to dice the cooked chicken breast in the same manner.

"Fish is easier to digest," Caduceus explains as he tips the chicken pieces back into a small bowl to cook in some of the leftover broth. "But cats need birds, too. There are some nutrients in them that you can't get from fish or game, without which they'll go blind. I'm also going to add in some eggs for extra nutrition, since he's so skinny."

Nott shudders at the thought. "I'm glad you're here, Caduceus," she declares. "You know all sorts of things I never would have known."

Caduceus nods. "I'm glad I can help take care of him, too," he says. He smiles at her. "You do such a good job, but sometimes it can help to have a partner to tag in."

"Yeah..." Nott says, feeling a pang of melancholy as she thinks about it. Thinks back to Luke, and the look on Yeza's face when he saw him, the terrifying way that both of them had trusted her to take care of him. All the times she'd felt frustrated and terrified -- like she didn't know what to do, like she was failing as a mother, like she wasn't good enough to do the one thing that anyone had ever counted on her to do.

Taking care of Caleb had been different from caring for Luke. He was a grown man after all, much more capable of things even if he so often forgot to do them. As much as she considered herself responsible for him they had most often worked together, pooling their resources to get coin or food or books or booze or a safe place to stay for the night. She hadn't felt so alone, caring for Caleb. She hadn't felt so useless.

Now Caleb had fallen under this awful spell and it  _ was  _ her fault even if everybody was being nice and not yelling at her for it -- she knew Caleb well enough to know that even he wouldn't yell at her for it when he got back to normal. But once again she was faced with a small helpless thing that completely depended on her, and once again she felt that helpless terror that she wasn't going to be able to do it right, she didn't know enough, she wasn't good enough.

But, she thinks, looking at Caduceus and thinking of Jester and Beau and even Molly and Fjord, maybe that's okay. Maybe she doesn't have to be good enough all by herself. They're all helping, all pitching in to make up for her mistakes.

"You're right," she says at last. "It's good to have a partner."

He smiles at her again, then goes back to cooking.

Savory smells begin to fill the room as Caduceus finishes cooking. The result is two little lumps of fish and chicken paste, enhanced with chicken broth and egg, which Nott would have had no qualms whatsoever about eating for her own lunch (maybe on a piece of toast.) She nobly resists, though; this is for Caleb. Caduceus shuts off the little flame before reaching for the bowls and dishes he'd prepared. "Mister Caleb?" he says, turning around. "Dinner's ready... hm."

Caleb is still asleep in his corner of the room, seemingly uninterested in the dish hovering in Caduceus' hand. Nott puts a hand on his forearm. "I got this," she assures him.

Nott manages to slide the dish of cat food under Caleb's nose with the same dexterity she'd use to lift a wallet or a piece of merchandise, or slip food into Caleb's pocket or under his nose when he's absorbed in a book. Caleb's nose twitches in his sleep and he blinks awake, looking a little confounded by the sudden appearance of food. The smells coming from the dish pique his interest, though, and interested sniffing soon turns to licking and then chomping. 

For the first time since his transformation Caleb eats every bite of food that is presented to him, and keeps it down. Nott jumps on the table to raise her hand in a high-five which Caduceus solemnly returns. "Good work, partner!"

  
  


* * *

 

~tbc...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caduceus' cat-food-making sequence is directly based off of the [Jun's Kitchen cat food episode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cofNVuXgjsA), which is really extremely soothing to watch.


	3. Chapter 3

 

Days go by. The Mighty Nein find a few smaller jobs in town -- gathering a certain plant in the woods (Fjord touches it bare-handed and spends the rest of the afternoon stoned out of his gourd) clearing a basement of giant, intelligent beetles (Caduceus speaks to the beetles and then refuses to translate for the rest of them, muttering only that they were  _ extremely  _ rude) and running courier for a lovelorn merchant to take letters and presents to the object of his affection (which ends in a forgery, two duels, three deaths, and the merchant eloping with his new husband.) The Baroness inquires twice when they are going to solve her particular enchantment problem for her, and twice they put her off with excuses.

Through it all Caleb remains behind in the inn room: he still refuses to come out of hiding when more than one person is in the room (he definitely seems to remember Beau and Fjord's roles in bathing him and gives them the cold shoulder) but is otherwise growing more bold in his explorations.  It turns out to be surprisingly difficult to keep Caleb out of any of their stuff: he manages to get past any number of locks or knotted laces to satisfy his curiosity. As long as he isn't damaging anything, the Nein -- aside from Fjord who moves his possessions down to the stable to avoid getting cat hair on them -- just let him explore. 

Until on the third day, when Nott enters the inn room and finds the window open -- and Caleb gone.

 

* * *

 

"Nott," Fjord says as delicately as possible, "let up on the drinking." He's trying to be kind -- Nott is clearly upset, but she also has barely stopped to take a breath since Caleb was discovered missing. 

The little goblin lowers her flask with a gasping inhale, then launches into a torrent of speech. "Caleb's gone, he ran away because he hates us! Now he's lost in the city and he's probably fallen down a well and he'll  _ drown  _ and  _ starve  _ because he can't climb out again or one of the city guards will kick him and he'll  _ die _  or some terrible cult is going to see him and kidnap him and sacrifice him in some horrible ritual or some pack of gnolls is going to see him and decide to eat him for  _ dinner --" _

"Nott," Fjord says, "go back to drinking."

The flask goes back up, but at least it's quieter.

There's still no sign of Caleb. Caduceus and Jester had both done their best to locate him with magic, but their divination spells have come up with nothing: apparently the ward against detection that Caleb had worn as a human had carries with him over into his cat form. Along with the rest of his clothes, presumably. Where exactly they go  when a subject was Polymorphed -- since their clothes do not collapse around them and they do not reappear naked -- is a subject probably best left for... Caleb.

"How the heck did he get out anyway?" Beau wants to know.

"The window was open," Caduceus reminds her. It's a bit obvious, but she did ask.

"It can't have been!" Jester exclaims, in defiance of all evidence of the eyes. "We haven't opened the window a single time since we got here."

"No, but he might have opened it himself." Molly grimaces. "He's been getting into our bags easily enough, it was just a matter of time before he figured out the window too."

Nott moans. "Caleb is  _ too _ smart!"

"All right, it looks like Caleb's in danger," Caduceus says. "Someone needs to go rescue him."

To his surprise, four voices speak out almost at the same time: "I will!" Ford, Beau, Jester and Molly all stop and glare at each other.

Jester speaks first. "Caleb's really very wimpy, so I have to be strong for him!" she declares.

"Look, if Caleb's in danger, it's my job to rescue him," Fjord say. " 'S what I  _ do." _

Beau scoffs. "Rescue him from dangers  _ you _  put him in, you mean."

"Hey!"

"Excuse me," Molly slides into the conversation. "Who is it that stays by our wizard on the battlefield and makes sure nobody gets too close to him?"

"I do that too!" Beau says. "That's why he always puts haste on  _ me." _

"Not always!"

"Yeah, more on me than on you, because he likes me  _ better!" _

The four of them fall into arguing. Nott is temporarily distracted from her woes, enough that she notices that Caduceus is not joining in. "Deucey, you aren't going to argue over getting to be the one to rescue Caleb?"

"Hmm?" Caduceus looks up from what he was doing. "No, they seem to have that well in hand. I'm not even going to try to throw my hat in."

"Right," Nott says.

Caduceus smiles. "Besides, it doesn't really matter which of them rescues him, since  _ I'm _  going to be the one who ends up healing him."

Jester is distracted from her tussling with Beau to shout over at Caduceus. "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"

"Pretty sure I do," Caduceus says.

With both clerics joining in on the argument, Nott goes back to drinking.

At last Fjord has had enough. "ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS!" he roars, loud enough to momentarily quiet the others. He sighs. "Look. Molly, Beau and I will go out and start lookin' for Caleb. Caduceus and Nott, you stay here in case he comes back. Jester, d'you think you can rustle up a few 'Lost' posters with Caleb's picture on'em?"

"Sure!" Jester agrees enthusiastically, then her eyes widen as she's struck by an idea. "Ooh, do you think that if I use my magic paints and paint a picture of Caleb, he would pop back here?"

"I don't think it works like that..."  Nott says doubtfully. "I mean at most, we'd have two of him running around and that might cause all kinds of trouble."

Molly makes an intrigued sound in his throat. "Two of Caleb," he says. "Imagine the possibilities, though..."

The conversation temporarily grinds to a halt, glazed looks creeping over the faces of certain members of the Nein as Fjord, Jester, and Molly imagine the possibilities. 

" _ Gross," _  says Beau.

"What?" says Caduceus.

"MY WIZARD IS MISSING," Nott declares at the top of her lungs. "Can we just --"

"Okay, okay," Fjord placates.

The Mighty Nein scatter -- Jester to get her art supplies, the others to start searching outside of the inn. Nott begins searching the inn room from top to bottom, looking for some cranny or crevice that Caleb  _ might _ have gone to ground in, while Caduceus goes back to repairing his armor.

"Oh!" he suddenly exclaims a few minutes later. "Because then, we'd have  _ two cats. _  That would be pretty neat, wouldn't it?"

 

* * *

 

The Mighty Nein get as far as the alleyway behind the window of the inn before they are stymied by lack of direction. "Which way would he have gone?" Fjord asks Molly. 

"How would I know?" Molly says crossly. They're all tense, snapping at each other with taut nerves, although none of them are as badly off as Nott: the little goblin is almost inconsolable.

"I don't know, I figured that you'd have some idea," Fjord made a broad, incomprehensible gesture. "Don't you know how to... like... track stuff?"

"I mean you're basically practically a cat yourself," Beau chimes in helpfully. "So just, like, think like a cat. Where would a cat go?"

Molly sighs theatrically, feeling put upon, but as much as he hates to admit it he  _ does _  have some skill in tracking. He doesn't often use it, and he doesn't like to think about where and when he acquired it, but right now is not the time for fighting over trivial details. 

He closes his eyes, and tries to think like a cat. No, not just any cat, like Caleb: a cat that's too smart for his own good, for whom everything up to and including his own friends is terrifying. Where would a cat like that go?

"This way," he says, opening his eyes and pointing off down the alleyway. Not towards the open, busy street but further back into the alley, where it's darker and smellier and the buildings are close and cluttered with boxes and debris.

They follow the trail along the alley until it meets a road along the other side. There Molly hesitates, scanning the surroundings. That pile of crates and boxes would have made an excellent cat-hiding fort if they weren't all disturbed and overturned. That left out onto the busy street beyond, or else...

He points to a storm drain opening out the wall. "There," he says. "Just about cat sized, a small, enclosed space he can hide away."

Beau gazes up the length of the storm drain in dismay. "Shit, dude, do you think so?"

Molly cocks his ear close to the opening and listens. It's hard to hear over the rush and trickle of water through the pipes but he thinks he can hear a faint, distressed meowing. "Yep, definitely," he says, stepping away and shaking his head, then hitting his ear with his palm to try to shake the water out of it. "One of us is gonna have to climb up in there. If he got stuck, he needs to be rescued. If he made it to the roof, he could be anywhere."

Beau swears, then swears again and sighs before stripping off her coat and cracking her shoulders. "All right, let's do this," she says. "Molly, help me get this grate apart."

"Now, you two, don't get to vandalizin' anything we can't put back together before the authorities arrive..." Fjord says, then trails off.

Fjord's voice slows as something catches his eye. It nags at his attention, drawing his eye even away from the drainpipe his friends are busily trying to dismantle. A little blonde girl with frilly bows in her hair, skipping along the street, arms wrapped around a calico-toned puppy...

He shakes his head and looks again, harder, and the image resolves itself: a little blonde  _ gnome, _  her hair shot through with leaves and sticks, arms hugging around a ragged orange cat with patches of mud obscuring his hair. 

"Uh, guys?" he says, not looking away as he tracks the girl's progress. "I think we may have found him."

_ "What?"  _

"Twiggy!" 

She hears her name and looks up, sees him, and aims in his direction. "Mister Fjord!" Twiggy says as she comes to a halt before him and yes, this close it's unquestionably Caleb. His fur is nearly unrecognizable from the smooth fluffy coat it had been an hour before: several patches along his sides are smeared with mud, the same mud that decorates Twiggy's hands and face. The clean parts of his coat are captured in a dozen tiny braids entwining beads, sticks and leaves into his hair, again matching Twiggy's. The air of pure, abject misery Caleb gives Fjord over Twiggy's arms, however, is exactly the same.

"Hi, Mister Fjord!" she beams up at him as she skips over. "I didn't know the Mighty Nein was in town! Wow, that's so cool that we'd run into each other again just by coincidence! Weird, huh?"

"Our lives are pretty weird," Fjord says with complete honesty, then changes the subject. "So, uh, who's your little cat friend?"

Twiggy's smile widens and she thrusts Caleb up towards him, forcing his head back as his nose begins to itch almost immediately. "This is my new kitty! I found him just this afternoon!" she chirps. "His name is Carley!"

"That's ni - uh,  _ him?"  _ Fjord does a small double take. "How'd you know he was a he?"

"Oh, Carley's a boy cat," Twiggy explains cheerfully. "I checked!"

Fjord glances over at Caleb; his feline form always looks a little downcast, but right now the kitty face is wearing an expression that can only be described as the ultimate suffering.

"I took him to the store and got shinies for his fur, and I got a cute little harness and leash for him to walk on -- Look!" Twiggy attempts to demonstrate the use of the harness and leash. Caleb, however, seems to be trying to abandon his cat form by sheer dissociation; he lays on the ground in the harness unmoving, every line radiating a pitiful despair.

"Huh," Twiggy said. She gave a tug on the harness, which moved Caleb across the street but did not seem in any way to motivate him to rejoin his body. "Y'know, this doesn't work as well on Carley as it did on Trixie."

"I, uh, I don't think cats are fond of leashes," Fjord manages to say. 

"I guess I'll have to work him up to it, anyway! I went to all these different stores so far, and I'm going to the market to get some kitty food for him! You know," Twiggy dropped her voice lower and leaned in close. "I don't think Carley's previous owners were very good people! Poor kitty is almost  _ starving, _  and you can see the way he's just terrified of people, it's no good! If I meet Carley's former owners, I think I'm gonna owe 'em a punch in the nose!"

Oh boy. Fjord sighs, rubs at the back of his neck, wonders how to break this. "Look, Twiggy, the truth is... Carley's ours. I mean, Caleb's ours," he says hastily. "That cat is Caleb, he went and got himself turned into a cat a few days ago, and we've been looking after him..."

"Oh." Twiggy's eyes widen and she turns to inspect Caleb in light of this new information. Caleb makes a protesting 'mrrr.' "You haven't been doing a very good job then, have you?"

Fjord winces. "It's been challenging... I mean, we've been doing our best," he says. "But either way, we really need him back so we can turn him back human again."

"But you haven't yet, have you?" Twiggy says brightly, and  _ouch._ "You said it was a few days already."

"Miss Twiggy," Fjord pleads, but Twiggy ignores him and goes on talking.

"I've never had a cat that was actually a wizard before!"

"Miss Twiggy please," Fjord says.

Around this time Beau barges into the conversation. "Hey, look, you can't just grab some wizard off the middle of the street and claim he's yours!" she says.

"Why not? That's the responsible way to go, isn't it?" Twiggy says. "Adopt don't shop, there's plenty of wizards looking for homes already!"

"Listen," Molly interrupts. "Miss Twiggy. We very much appreciate that you've been looking after Caleb when we couldn't -- he could have gotten all kinds of hurt when he ran off, and we're grateful that you kept him safe. I see that you've already put quite a bit of your own time and money into caring for him, and we wouldn't just ask you to write that off. We were already intending to offer a reward for his safe return --"

"We were?" Fjord mouths.

"We were?" Beau mutters.

" -- so we'd be happy to give that to you instead, to cover your expenses and trouble," Molly says smoothly. "But really, we need our wizard back. Please?"

Twiggy hesitates, chewing on a strand of her hair. At last she lifts the cat in her arms so she can look into its blue eyes. "Do you wanna go back to the Mighty Nein, Carley? I mean Caleb?" she says.

Caleb  _meows_   sadly.

"Do you wanna stay with me?"

No response.

Twiggy sighs. "I guess," she says, and with great reluctance hands Caleb over to Fjord as Molly counts out ten gold from his purse. Fjord nearly trips on his ass when she jabs a hand in his face. "But if I hear you're not treating him right, I'm definitely gonna come back and kick all your asses!"

"Of course," Fjord says weakly.

Twiggy skips back away down the alleyway, turning around to wave at them as she goes. "Bye, guys! Don't get dead!" she says cheerfully.

The rest of the Mighty Nein is left standing there, as stunned by her abrupt entrance and departure to their lives as they had been the first time. "Well," Fjord says. "That's that, I guess."

Abruptly Beau slaps Molly upside the head fast enough that even his reflexes are no match for her monk-quick hands. "Hey!" he yelps in protest, rubbing the sore spot on the back of his head.

She scowls at him. "And you were gonna have me climb up a gutter, you absolute dick!"

" _ Please _  would one of you take him away from me," Fjord says plaintively. Caleb meows.

  
  


* * *

 

Small mercies at least: Caleb shows no further sign of wanting to run away. He sits calmly in Molly's arms for the trip back to the inn and once there, jumps down and walks back into their room under his own power. 

"Caleb!" Jester and Nott say in unison, abandoning their distractions to descend on the wizard-turned-cat. For the first time since his transformation he stands his ground, putting up with Nott's fussing and Jester's overenthusiastic petting and even pushes his head back against their hands.

Nott melts with relief. Jester is beside herself with delight. "Ohh, Caleb, I knew you loved me!" she says, gathering the fluffy wizard up in her arms and hugging him. He endures, not even making a token attempt to escape. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!"

"Of course he does, Jester," Caduceus says kindly. "You're very easy to love."

"I sure am!" Jester gives a little toss of her head. Then she stops and holds Caleb out in front of her. "But man, Caleb, you sure went and got yourself all messy huh? Looks like we'll need to get you cleaned up  _ again." _

"Not it," Beau says promptly, Fjord raising his hand in agreement. "We did the whole bath thing last time, it's somebody else's turn now!" 

"But you're so good at it, Beau!" Jester wheedles. "You're so fast and strong and good at catching him when he tries to run..."

"Yeah, uh huh, you can keep going with the flattery but it's still your turn to wash the cat," Beau says.

"Is that a euphemism for something? Because it really sounds like a euphemism for something," Molly says in an aside to Fjord, who just shrugs.

Jester pouts. "But Beau, if I give him a bath he'll hate me!" she whines. "You should do it, he  _ already _  hates you, so it'll be no big loss!"

"Hey, he doesn't hate me!" Beau exclaims. In demonstration she attempts to reach out to pet Caleb's head, only to have the cat lean back so far to avoid her reaching hand that he threatens to overbalance and tip onto the floor. "HEY! I was ready to  _ climb into a storm drain  _ for you, motherfucker!"

"It's nice to have everything back to normal." Caduceus beams.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Things get easier.

Caleb finally stops spending all of his time hiding under furniture and begins to actually come out in the open when the other members of the Nein are there. Although he is still not quite the lap cat Jester had hoped for he grows much more tolerant to handling and petting. Some members of the Nein, like Nott or Caduceus, Caleb will sit next to them on a chair or in bed with the warm line of his back pressed against the side of their leg. Others, like Fjord or Beau, he refrains from actual contact but will still sit in the room with them, mirroring their poses, getting up when they get up to follow them from room to room.

The fact that Caleb now sleeps on top of the bed instead of under it means that the bedding very quickly becomes drenched in cat hair. Fjord takes to sleeping downstairs in the stable.

He starts eating better as well, and vomiting less. Jester -- following up on a tip she got from the innkeeper's wife after a long gossiping session about cats -- tries putting food for Caleb in boxes with clever little latches or spread out over a cluttered surface, in order to force him to slow down while eating and get him thinking about how to reach his food. Combined with Caduceus' special hand-made cat food, Caleb the kitty finally begins to fill out some of his missing weight. He prefers to supervise when Caduceus is cooking, and the cat and the firbolg begin to carry on long 'conversations' during those times, with Caduceus talking normally to Caleb and the cat meowing in response.

With not much else constructive to do Jester spends a lot of time on drawing and crafts. Before long she produces a miniature, cat-sized version of what appears to be Caleb's coat -- the pockets are fake and the sleeves a bit stiff, but it's immediately recognizable. The Mighty Nein are all impressed by her artistry but Caleb, on being bundled into the coat, looks so sad that Jester is forced to relent.

To Jester's delight, she comes back to the room on the second day after Caleb gets out to find him finally washing himself: tongue laving over the fur on his forearm and then scrubbing it back over his face. Jester's squeal of joy makes him jump a foot in the air and nearly sends him dashing under cover until she reaches out with apologies and protests, "No Caleb, I'm sorry I scared you, don't stop! Please, Caleb, do that again!"

She retreats to the other corner of the room and watches, breathless, as Caleb tries to compose himself. She's almost given up hope and gone out again before the mood seems to strike Caleb again and he resumes washing his paw.

Jester manages to keep her second  _ squee _  low enough that Caleb only perks his ears in her direction this time, but it's apparently enough to attract the attention of Beau, passing by in the corridor. She pokes her head in. "What's up?" she says.

"Beau! Come look!" Jester hisses, keeping her voice low. "Caleb has finally started washing!"

"What -- Oh!" Beau comes fully into the room, then joins Jester in her corner staring avidly at Caleb. "I get it. Wow. Wow, he's finally doing it!"

"I know right, isn't it cute!" Jester squees softly. "I could watch him all day!"

Beau snorts. "Yeah, best news of the day: 33-year-old man finally learns to wipe his own ass without help."

"Beau! That's mean." Jester manages to hold the stern expression for about two seconds before she dissolves into giggles. "But pretty funny. But at least this means that  _ we _  don't have to help him wipe his ass any more."

"Like I said, best news of the day."

 

* * *

 

Beau's continued attempts to get Caleb to exercise -- under the guise of 'play' -- still are not met with much enthusiasm. Caleb is still giving her the cold shoulder over the bath incidents. But other forms of play, all unexpectedly, strike a chord with the wizard-turned-cat.

"Nott," Molly calls out softly. Nott looks over at the two of them. Caleb is perched on the table across from him, reddish ears perked forward, blue eyes interested. His tail tip twitches slowly, engaged but not upset; Molly's tail flicks in the same soft rhythm. "Lend me one of your buttons, would you? I wanna show you something." 

Nott digs a particularly nice button out of her collection, ivory carved with a tiny bust of a beautiful tiefling lady, with a beautiful deep brown finish on the reverse. "You'll give it back, right?" she demands, hanging onto it for a minute as Molly tries to take it. "You aren't going to  _ feed  _  it to him, are you?!"

He laughs. "No, I'm not going to feed it to him, you'll get it back in a few minutes," he says. Begrudgingly, she hands over the button.

Molly takes from his bags a set of small wooden bowls that he used to use in his performances and sets them out, upside down, four in a row. He shows Caleb the button, letting him sniff it interestedly for a minute, then lifts the leftmost cup and slips the button under it. "Know which one it's under?" he asks Nott.

"Oh, I know this game," Nott says. "It's good for tricking people out of pennies."

"Sure," Molly says, "because most people don't have a flawless memory and eye for positioning. Watch this."

His hands fly over the cups, spinning and swapping and shuffling them around until even Nott's keen eye can't keep track of which one went where. Caleb watches the performance too, ears perked, until finally Molly's hands stop. He smiles at her. "Where is it now?" he says.

"Uh..." She lost track halfway through, but she takes her best guess and taps the middle left cup. "This one?"

To her surprise Caleb reaches out a paw and taps the cup on the far right. Molly's smile widens and he lifts both cups, showing her choice of cup to be empty: Caleb's was the correct one.

"Let's go round again," he says, and again the cups fly. This time Nott is more interested in watching Caleb than the cups. They stop again, Caleb reaches out and taps the middle-right cup, and again it's the right choice.

"He hasn't missed one yet," Molly says, sweeping the cups into a rattling stack before letting them fall back onto the table in a gentle shower, then sending them spinning around again. "Which I can tell you from experience is much, much better than most humans can do! Fur coat or not, our Caleb is still in there."

Nott watches them for a few more minutes, charmed despite herself: Molly is clearly having fun and despite his feline demeanour it seems like Caleb is too. This is the most relaxed and open she's seen him since his transformation, alert and engaged with a keen look in his blue eyes.

"Molly?" she says quietly.

"Yes, dear?"

"I miss Caleb." 

"Yeah. Me too."

  
  


* * *

 

As the one-week mark approaches, uncertain tension builds in the air. Except for Caleb -- who seems entirely unaware that anything is amiss -- the rest of them grow more strained and snappish over time.

Without anything official being said, somehow all of the Mighty Nein manage to find their way up to the inn room on the evening of the seventh day, finding seats or crowding onto the bed or leaning faux-casually against the wall. Caleb has finally become comfortable enough that even having all of them there and looking at him does not send him fleeing under the bed: all his attention is on the latest puzzle that Jester made for him.

The tension ratchets up as the time ticks closer to the moment that Caleb was polymorphed. They don't know what they were expecting, but when the moment comes it's almost anticlimactic.

Caleb pauses with one paw extended, blue eyes wide as he looks up. The air around him shimmers for a moment, and the Nein hold their breath --

And then the shimmer flares and vanishes, and Cat Caleb remains. He sneezes, looking highly disgruntled, and then goes back to his puzzle.

A groan of disappointment makes its way around the room. "So much for a great feat of fortitude," Beau says, looking disgusted.

"It was only ever a long shot," Molly sighs.

"So what now?" 

The Mighty Nein look around at each other. 

"We could wait for the end of the month," Beau says, but she sounds distinctly unenthused about the prospect.

"No," Fjord says, firm and authoritative. "This has dragged out long enough. It ain't fair to Caleb to keep him hanging, or to the rest of us to put all our lives on hold for this. Tomorrow we're heading back to the Tidepeak, and we're fixin' this."

Nobody argues.

  
  


* * *

 

  
The Tidepeak looks unusually phallic today.

It's a subdued group of adventurers that make their way through the Open Quay, leading a pair of pack horses and carrying a small, portable kennel. There are holes drilled into the side through which a steady chorus of plaintive  _ miaos _  drifts, occasionally punctuated by an orange paw reaching through the holes to bat fruitlessly at the hands carrying him. Caleb has not taken to the journey well.

Wentsworth opens the doors for them at the first knock and ushers them inside, announcing their presence with the sinister words "Ah, the Mighty Nein. The Master is expecting you" and directing them up a short flight of stairs.

Yussah Errenis sits behind his desk facing the door, obviously expecting them, elbows planted on the tabletop and hands steepled together. He leans back in his chair and offers a slow, sly smile.  

"So," he says, and lets the word hang sinister in the hall for a long moment before he continues. "I was wondering when you were going to return. You held out longer than I thought you would, really."

"You knew?" Beau demands.

"Of course," Yussah says nonchalantly. "All the items in my tower are under the aegis of a tracking and protection spell. I knew as soon as you pocketed that particular widget."

"But you didn't say anything!" Nott bursts out. "If I'd known you  _ actually _  minded --"

Behind her Fjord gives a loud cough, and his foot moves in a not-quite-subtle way. Nott jumps, scowls at him, then seems to remember some predetermined script. "Oh... ah... right. Mister Errenis, I'm very, very sorry for taking something from your tower without your permission." She reaches into her pockets and pulls out the magical widget that started the whole fiasco, carefully wrapped in her cleanest handkerchief. "We brought it back, it doesn't have a scratch on it."

"And?" Yussah prompts.

"And... I won't do it again?" Nott tries.

"Hm. I doubt that," Yussah snorts. "Very well, apology accepted. Give it here." He waves at the desk in front of him. Nott steps forward, sets the package on the desk -- not without a faint aura of reluctance as it leaves her hand -- then scurries back again.

"So... you'll fix Caleb?" Jester says hopefully.

Another wintry smile. "I didn't say  _ that," _ Yussah says.

Nott looks shocked, then angry. "But I apologized!"

"Yes, but that only means that I won't be turning  _ you _  all into mice," Yussah retorts.

_ "I knew it!" _ Nott hisses, and retreats a little further behind Caduceus' legs to glare at Yussah.

"It's only been a week, after all," the wizard says. "I feel like the lesson hasn't quite sunk in yet. Perhaps come back in, mm, first of Misuthar?"

"That's over a  _ month _  away!" Nott wails.

Caduceus feels moved to step in. He sets the carrier down on the floor and begins to unlatch it. "Mister Yussah, I understand that you're the wronged party here, but please, can't you find it in yourself to take pity on our poor wizard?" he says. "Just look how sad he is!"

He lifts Caleb out of the box, fluffy feet waving in the air, and holds him up for Yussah's inspection. Caleb looks thoroughly intimidated by the new surroundings and stern atmosphere -- all the easy relaxation they'd managed to cultivate in the inn scattered -- and he looks very, very sad.

Yussah glowers at the cat. "I'll have you know I am completely immune to guilt trips," he addresses them.

Caleb gives him a sad look. Yussah's frown on him deepens. "Don't even try," he warns the cat.

Caleb  _ miaos _  sadly.

" _ Fine,"  _ Yussah says with a deep, aggravated sigh. He leans back in his chair, raises his hand, and snaps his fingers.

A puff of smoke swirls around him and Caduceus feels his arms growing suddenly heavier. He backs up a step and lowers his arms towards the ground just before the ginger cat in his arms transforms into a shabby, equally ginger human.

"Oh,  _ schiesse,"  _  is the first thing Caleb has to say after a week as an animal. And honestly? That's fair.

" _ Caleb!" _  The cry echoes from all sides, and Caleb staggers as he's half-tackled by a goblin who wraps around his thighs with a grip of steel. "Caleb, thank goodness, you're back and you're human again and I didn't muck it up and get you killed and you're going to be okay and  _ why do you still have cat ears?!" _

Sure enough, when the rest of the Mighty Nein looks up at Caleb's head, peeking out of the top of his hair is a pair of red-orange, tufted cat ears. Caleb reaches up to feel them, expression astonished, and they swivel and point in response to sounds echoing from the room around him.  _ "Was zum Teufel?" _

Yussah is laughing like crazy and Caleb just sighs.

"Uh, Mister Errenis? I think you forgot a bit," Caduceus points out diplomatically. 

"He doesn't  _ have _  to take them off, does he?" Jester says wistfully. "They  _ are _  awfully cute."

"Yeah, but they ain't what I call inconspicuous," Fjord points out. 

"He could wear a hat!"

"Yeah, no," Fjord says firmly.

Yussah finally finishes laughing, one fist pounding on the surface of his desk even as the other sweeps back up over his face, dashing away tears of laughter before sweeping back his hair. "Ah, gods," he says at last as he catches his breath. "Just a little joke. No harm done." He gestures again, and the ears disappear.

_ "Danke," _  Caleb says under his breath, apparently not up to speaking Common just yet.

"There's just one thing I don't understand," Molly says to the wizard. "If you knew it was Nott who stole it, then why did you turn  _ Caleb _  into a cat?"

"For three reasons." Yussah holds up one finger. "The first is that there was a possibility that, if I polymorphed you instead of him, that he would have been able to reverse the spell on his own. I knew he was the only one of your little group who had the power to do that, so without him, you'd have no chance."

"Yeah, fair," Beau says, and Molly nods. The other casters of the group scowl, feeling like their prowess has just been insulted.

A second finger joins the first. "Second, he needed to learn some of the basic rules of etiquette among the wizard community. When visiting another wizard's tower, it is the visitor's responsibility to supervise their companions or lackeys to ensure they do not behave inappropriately, and any transgressions are de facto the responsibility of the wizard."

_ "Lackeys?" _  Nott demands indignantly. 

"Yeah, uh, Caleb's not our leader," Beau says. "He's not  _ in charge _  of  _ any _  of us."

"Hmm." A small smile lingers on Yussah's lips. "Well, you can keep telling yourself that."

Molly glances at Caleb, then back at Yussah and does a quick count. "And what was the third reason?" he says.

"Hmm?"

"You said there were three reasons. What was the third?" Molly repeats.

Yussah glances over at his hand, seeing the two fingers still raised, and ticks off a third briefly before lowering his hand. "Oh. I thought it would be funny."

"You turned him into a cat for a week and threatened to make it permanent because you thought it would be  _ funny?" _  Beau says, outraged.

Yussah only shrugs. "Well, it was, wasn't it?"

The Mighty Nein seems poised between a righteous outburst and abashed shuffle, but Caleb breaks the tension. "Don't bother," he says in a weary tone of voice. "Higher level spellcasters are just... like that."

"Wait, does this mean he was  _ spying   _ on us?" Jester bursts out. 

"Oh, yes," Yussah says offhanded. "The archaism, in addition to alerting me when it was removed from the tower, was also a convenient focus to scry on."

Half the Nein look like they are quickly rethinking everything they did in that hotel room over the past week, while the other half look fit to burst. "That little thing --" Jester starts.

"Which we did  _ steal from his tower, _  so we really only have ourselves to blame," Caleb interrupts. "We should be grateful that a Baleful Polymorph was  _ all _  he decided to do."

Jester subsides, still seething. "I  _ guess." _

Caleb turns to them, pleading. "Can we go?  _ Bitte?" _

"Fine by me," Fjord says firmly. "We've still got a mission outstanding, the sooner we get back on the road and put all this behind us the better."

A chorus of agreement, and the Mighty Nein begins to drift towards the door. Yussah, watching with open amusement, makes no effort to stop them.

Caleb lingers by the door once all the others have left. He coughs quietly, catching Yussah's attention. Yussah beams at him benignly. "Yes, my boy?" the elf says.

Caleb sends him a look that is equal parts weary and long-suffering. "The tail?" he prompts.

"Oh, yes, right," Yussah says, and smirks. "Silly me, I forgot." He snaps his fingers one final time.

"Thanks," Caleb says stiffly, and he walks away.

 

* * *

 

 

~the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yussah leaving Caleb with cat ears was inspired by [this fabulous cat-ears-Caleb](https://twitter.com/yettinim/status/1123218911674228737) piece by Yetti. Alas that I couldn't think of a good reason for him to keep them.


End file.
